My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
