69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
