How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
