you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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