So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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