Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
