I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
