I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
