So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
