Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
