happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
