Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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