fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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