finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
