who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
