Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
