chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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