this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
