Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
