I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
