Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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