Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
