I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
