life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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