Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
