i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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