Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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