so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
