Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
