I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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