I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
