I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
