one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
