Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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