you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
