Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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