I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I pour the whiskey from now on
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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