so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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