He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
