the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
