How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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