Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
