ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
