my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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