he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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