Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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