Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
