When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
