Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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