I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
mondays should just be called national damage control day
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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