He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
