Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
