After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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