Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
