He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
