He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
