just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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