I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
