why im i the only drunk person in the library?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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