I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
