i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
