so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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