If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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